Apps

Our brains are like computers. They are computers. They have memory. They can be programmed.

Hell, I can remember when my mother held me in the kitchen and I was two. My father was standing beside her...

I was two. Yet I have a memory of being held, of seeing, of feeling safe for a time. My mother did not drop me, so I learned to to feel safe when I was  held.
They say when we exercise, Our bodies remember what it is we expect them to do, so our muscles respond, react, step up to the challenge we put before them, and that is how we get into shape.

Our brains store images, just like computers, and  we can access those images whenever we want to. Sometimes those images play even when we don't  want them to--they call that post traumatic stress--the wires have crossed, the stored images override the peaceful images we want to upload. There is nothing to be done. Maybe call the Geek Squad to help erase that which you no longer want.

Sometimes the brain outwits the will, and we hold our heads, massage our temples futilely  trying to erase what is there. Good luck.

At least one of my friends is worried about what I might write here, while drunk...compromised as it were, because the brain apparently gets loose and garbled when alcohol is introduced. I want to say, see? See what I can do inebriated? Look. Coherent observations. So there. No vengeful essays, no embarrassing revelations. Just me ruminating about how brains mimic computers.

What if we could download an app that could override all of the negative stuff that has been programmed in over the years? What if we could override hate and bigotry and replace it with love and acceptance? Wipe out the hard drive of people who do not  get how love is supposed to work and reprogram them so that they get it, what love is, absent bitterness and pain and all that goes along with that --that code that has been previously written--REWRITE IT!

DOWNLOAD IT!

Heal yourself.

Oh god I wish there was an app for love.

#Written while drunk !!

It's because I think too much

I've always seen things other people didn't, felt things, questioned things - and while that set me apart and made me horribly lonely, sometimes, i valued it because i didn't want to be another mindless individual and because it made me who i am. but there is a point where it just goes to far. where you begin to think so much, you forget how to feel. how to live. how to TRUST - yourself, others, life.

Before i talk, i think of how it could be misunderstood. when others speak, i wonder what they really mean. i read between the lines when there is nothing between the lines. it becomes hard for me to take things at face value. i used to see things no one else saw, now i see things that aren't there. it takes a conscious effort for me to believe people care about me when they say they do or even when they show it. and this overthinking and overanalysing is *agonizing*, mostly because it breeds fear and doubt. i believe in the importance of questioning things, but trust is just as important. And questioning everything can be just as dangerous as questioning nothing.

And i think part of it is overcompensation. I've been misunderstood all my life, so i always act as it i am walking on glass, trying to make sure not to say the wrong thing. i have seen the fakeness of people who lie to even themselves, and i avoid that so obsessively that i feel like i am losing myself anyway. all these fears are counterproductive.

But, things are changing. i am changing. and it had been working, so much so that over the past weeks, a number of people have commented on it. Interestingly enough, it starts in the mind. my thoughts still plague me, sometimes, and the progress sometimes feels unbearably slow (but i try to focus on the small victories and the little efforts, not on the failures or the immensity of the task) but i think i am starting to take ownership over my thoughts, rather than letting them own me.